Cap Now

I recently applied for a building permit for a new house.

It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 gun turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system.

It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.

The City Council told me to forget it,... AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN !!!!

So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.

...Work starts on Monday...

I bought a bird feeder. I hung It on my back porch and filled It with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it was, as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table,
And next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, The chairs, the table ..
Everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own
pocket.

And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night
And demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore.  So I took down the
bird feeder and in three days The birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down
The many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like It used to be .... Quiet, serene.... And no one demanding their
rights to a free meal.

Now let's see. Our government gives out
free food, subsidized housing, free medical care and free education, and allows anyone
born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegal's came by the tens of thousands.  Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments
are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; Your child's second grade class is
behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one ' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than 'Old Glory' are squawking and screaming In the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

If you agree, pass it on; if not, Just continue cleaning up the poop.

Hope everyone gets a kick out of these even though they do hit real close to home!

But not everyone is as lucky as I am......
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked,  "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked  "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them .

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4  'ouncer'.

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal.  Oh Great!!   The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan.   When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Got to love this one!
If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!

A United States Marine was attending some college
courses between assignments. He had completed missions
in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor
who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.
He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD if you are real
then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly
15 min." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am
GOD, I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got
out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him,

knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there
looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to,
noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What
in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine calmly replied, "GOD was too busy today protecting
American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid
stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me."

The classroom erupted in cheers!

THIS IS GOOD, KEEP IT GOING
AMEN!!

1. Americans spend $36,000,000 at Wal-Mart Every hour of every day.

2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!

3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.

4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target +Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.

5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people, is the world's largest private employer, and most speak English.

6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the world.

7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger and Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only fifteen years.

8. During this same period, 31 big supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.

9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.

10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had five years ago.

11. This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at Wal-Mart stores. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 Billion.)

12. 90% of all Americans live within fifteen miles of a Wal-Mart.

You may think that I am complaining, but I am really laying the ground work for suggesting that MAYBE we should hire the guys who run Wal-Mart to fix the economy.

This should be read and understood by all Americans Democrats, Republicans, EVERYONE!!

To President Obama and all 535 voting members of the Legislature,

It is now official you are ALL corrupt morons:

a.. The U.S. Postal Service was established in 1775. You have had 234 years to get it right and it is broke.

b.. Social Security was established in 1935. You have had 74 years to get it right and it is broke.
c.. Fannie Mae was established in 1938. You have had 71 years to get it right and it is broke.

d.. War on Poverty started in 1964. You have had 45 years to get it right; $1 trillion of our money is confiscated each year and transferred to "the poor" and they only want more.

e.. Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965. You have had 44 years to get it right and they are broke.

f.. Freddie Mac was established in 1970. You have had 39 years to get it right and it is broke.

g.. The Department of Energy was created in 1977 to lessen our dependence on foreign oil. It has ballooned to 16,000 employees with a budget of $24 billion a year and we import more oil than ever before. You had 32 years to get it right and it is an abysmal failure.

You have FAILED in every "government service" you have shoved down our throats while overspending our tax dollars.


AND YOU WANT AMERICANS TO BELIEVE YOU CAN BE TRUSTED WITH A GOVERNMENT-RUN HEALTH CARE SYSTEM   ??
MAYBE WE OUGHT TO KICK  YOUR EGG-HEAD BUDDY BUMS OUT OF OFFICE AND HIRE WALMART TO RUN THE GOVERNMENT ???
WALMART SEEMS TO KNOW HOW TO RUN A BUSINESS.......WHY DON'T YOU GUYS JUST ADMIT IT'S WAY BEYOND YOUR PAY GRADE, AND QUIT?


Folks, keep this circulating. It is very well stated. Maybe it will end up in the e-mails of some of our "duly elected' (they never read anything) and their staff will clue them in on how Americans feel.

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect-em".
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008...but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.
It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.
Several states are already on top of this, like Virginia and New Jersey , and apparently now Massachusetts , with many more seeing the writing on the wall.